What I really resent is the evangelical attitude of the consumer-capitalist Christians who pretty much sloughed off all of that tricky academic work like reading and studying the scriptures and said "hey, the water of life is great, everybody - stop thinking and just jump on in!" When you're literally walking around and knocking on people's doors to perform a miniature inquisition on the people in your neighborhood, I can't help but think you just heard about "the great commission" and want to ensure that you get the largest percentage of it that you can. ....*zing*
Whatever your particular brand of theology, though, you sort of have to admit that there were people here a long time ago, and those people probably went through hundreds of generations of "I dare you to eat that rat, Thog... okay, now that leaf..."
...before developing a generally reliable list of things which are safe to consume, and that somewhere along the way the Hebrews and the Hindus were like "Aww, hell naw - that's demonic" like a person running away from a Criss Angel "Mindfreak" (the only actual demonic influence of which is his Beelzebub-like douchebaggery)...
(okay, so this is David Blaine. I can't tell those magicians apart.)
...and they developed a new, couture menu to ensure the righteousness of their followers. They were like Jamie Oliver, but not quite as self-righteous (just click on that other "zing," if you don't mind; I'm kind of slow and lazy from my crappy diet).
Yes, I *am* saying that the Hebrew bible (at least the Pentateuch) is based on earlier stuff. Specifically, the Sumerians. If you don't believe it, Read their creation myth and see if it doesn't ring a few Judeo-Christian bells. The flood? The rib? Mmm, ribs. Why aren't they verboten? Which brings me to my original point: you're spiritually screwed if you've ever eaten any of these things. Which I know you have, because it's *that* comprehensive.
#1: A Cheeseburger
Yes. And eturrnul damnashunz.
This one's not surprising, unless you've never had any contact with Jewish people in your life, in which case I'd recommend moving out of Arizona (that wasn't really zing-worthy, but you can still go back and press the button again if you'd like). This one comes from good ole' Leviticus, where it is forbidden to eat "dirty" animals - you know, the ones that don't chew their cud or who have cloven hooves. Most of them, really. The origin of this one is probably health reasons, most scholars say, and you have to admit that the early Hebraic tribes were at least a little wise to avoid eating pigs when they didn't have meat thermometers or cooking websites to tell them when all the trichinosis was dead. But the cheeseburger comes from another, weirder stricture about not mixing dairy and meat. I mean, I guess I can kind of appreciate the whole "don't eat the blood" concept of kashrut, because it usually tastes all coppery, and then there's that whole "life force" thing to consider, and blood-borne pathogens.
This is not a beheaded snake. It's blood sausage.
Point for the Jews; it does look gross.
...But milk? That isn't even something that people don't normally consume - I mean, they *had* to have made that connection between what was coming out of women's boobs and what little cows were suckling from. I'm not a member of La Leche League or anything, but milk just seems like something everyone ought to recognize as a natural product, and throwing it into your steak to add a little flavor, well that's just good eats. Sure, maybe it's a bit of a dick move to actually eat the milk with the mother, but as long as you're not dealing with Mosaic zombies or anything (hello - Tim Burton, there's your next film), then I just don't see the problem.
#2: The Breakfast Sandwich
A great way to start your day... and come back in your next life as a cockroach. The one on the right? No better. I just thought I'd finally get some actual use from it. Stupid infomercials...
Most people think that Judaism is pretty much as old as it gets. I mean, all those yo-mama jokes about having Moses' pager number (ooh, *snap*) can't be founded on nothing, right? Well, it turns out that your momma could actually be older - she could have gotten down with Vishnu. And you know she so fat that he couldn't even hug her with all eight arms...
...Okay, I'll get off of moms. Just like I got off yours last night. With a stepladder. But really, Hinduism is actually older than Moses (well, if you go by the Vedic orgins), and you'd think that would mean it's probably a lot cooler about eating things, because it wasn't like they had a lot of options in the Dravidian gastronomy, or much spare time to come up with dietary restrictions, what with having to come up with more gods and avatars than the R&D team at Blizzard Entertainment. Maybe that's why there are very few of them. Yeah, that's easy enough; just meat, fish, poultry, and eggs... Wait. That's like all the food, man. The only part of the breakfast sandwich you could eat would be the English muffin. And maybe the cheese. You might as well pour yourself a bowl of Grape-Nuts, for Kali's sake! I mean, sure, you can't really expect to be chowing down on a porterhouse when your main deity is a frickin' cow, but all the meat? Needless to say, this is where a lot of you Christians are going to get caught when you find out that the Bhagavad-Gita is the one book that got it right, so get ready to be reincarnated as the stale Cheeto that Suri Cruise-Holmes' therapist drops on the floor and never picks up (because whether it's that you'll be privy to so much gossip you can never utter to another soul, or because you'll have to sit there listening to in the first place, you'll quickly wish you had just been a cockroach).
#3: A Beer
Bud Light: Here We Go... TO HELL!
Most people find Islam the most loveable, feel-good, Disney-esque religion that there is. Probably because it was founded by this guy:
I'm sure he's really handsome, though.
Actually, it is very peaceful, and I'm probably going to hell for making light of the unjust treatment to which millions of people have been subjected in recent years. And in not-so recent years, like in the year 711, when it looked like they were pretty much going to take over all of Europe.
That's racist. Historical irony often is, though.
And if there's one thing that the last decade has taught the U.S. Army, it's that Muslim countries do not serve alcohol. Or appreciate their derisive efforts to instill democracy, but that's totally another, even less-likable article. As for the reasons why, well, that's pretty much obvious to anyone who's ever been to a wedding with an open bar.
"Threw the flowers too early, she said... I'll show that bitch what 'too early' means..."
The real reason, though, I mean, religious-wise, is much more laudable: "to help the faithful preserve and strive towards better knowledge of their faith." Although this kind of sounds like a sneer at the Manischewitz, I'm sure it's not, because if any two religious groups get along in perfect harmony, it's Jews and Muslims. Besties forevzies, amirite?
#4: Onion Rings
The Bloomin' Onion: Australian for "His breath is always foul; therefore, all gods and saints will reject him." Though that's probably also true for Foster's.
I know what you're thinking - this is getting ridiculous. What crazy, uptight, uber-fundamentalist sect could possibly have a prohibition against Onions?
Buddhism. That's who.
What, you think all fat guys love fried foods? You bigot.
Yep. That one religion who's never caused any trouble, never knocked on your door in the middle of Saturday-Morning cartoons, and doesn't even believe in hell says you're in serious trouble for eating onions. Or garlic.
Finally, a reason to distance yourself from this guy...
in case the sausage-kerchief didn't do it.
It comes down to the "five pungent spices" which, according to Buddhism (and this link), produce the following mal-effects:
- Your blood and flesh will be rejected by the gods, and the heavens will distance themselves far from you.
- Your breath will always be foul; therefore, all gods and saints will reject you.
- If eaten cooked, these foods will arouse lust and cause explosive temper.
- If eaten raw, they will increase one's anger and cause bad body odor that will not please the gods but will stimulate interested "hungry ghosts" who will hover around and kiss one's lips.
Pac-Man: The Italian Buddhist. It all makes sense now.
So you'd better take a second look at what you're smoking before you order that late-night dorm-room pizza delivery... just because they call it "buddha" doesn't mean it's going to lead you to enlightenment. It could turn you into pac-man.
#5: Almonds
Now, this one takes a certain amount of logical extrapolation, but follow me here - almonds and things containing almonds are still among the foods that will take you down the long path to hell, paved with good intentions as it may be (so, doesn't that mean you have to step on a bunch of really nice ideas to get to hell? And are these good intentions made of bricks? I always hated that phrase).
Christians are quick to point out the dietary loophole that they think allows them to go around and munch on whatever they want to put in their mouth - well, not everything, but that's a different verse from Leviticus. I'm talking about Mark 7:14-23, where Jesus talks about how stupid those people were to worry about being unclean just because they didn't wash their hands before eating. Hey, he was a Rabbi, not an M.D., so cut him some slack. In point of fact, there is a debate over whether or not that really meant that he was undoing thousands of years of Mosaic law in a single breath, but that didn't stop In-N'-Out from going on to make the most delicious freaking cheeseburger in the history of mankind and slap bible quotes on the bottom of their cups just to really drive the point home to all those non-Christians that once you're saved, you can down as many double-doubles as the good lord will allow.
"For God so loved the world, he gave his only "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If
begotten fast-food franchise to be owned and anyone hears my voice and opens the door,
operated solely in the southwestern region of I will gladly bum a spare animal-style fries...
the United States..." you know... for the son of god... no pressure."
The point here is that even if he did "make all food clean" with sweep of his messianic hand, what he meant was that it's not the food we put into us, but the thoughts and deeds which come out of us that make us "dirty" or "clean." He obviously never went to the Galilee Taco Bell.
Specifically, he mentions "sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly" as the "evils" that we should be more worried about than eating pork products.
Jesus said I could eat this bacon-turtle. I think he's trying to kill me.
So, why almonds, then? Well, to be honest, it doesn't have to be almonds, but I don't think you can really count Viagra as a "food" (despite the efforts of the Pharmaceutical Lobbyists, I imagine), and it would contradict that whole "you've totally eaten these before" premise that I'll bet you all completely forgot about, didn't you? Well, good news: almonds are known to increase your memory... and boost your libido. Yep. Those little nuts will actually promote those evil, sexy thoughts that you're having... and they've slipped under the radar of all of the major religions on Earth. It's not even just the male sex-drive they enhance, either - because they're chock full o' arginine, an amino acid that serves as a natural vasodilator (you know, those things that dilate your vasos), they'll also increase circulation to the lady-bits as well. They even cure headaches (and you know what that means...).
"Headache, honey? You know what'll cure that? ...Deeeeeez nuts!
Oh, come on, no - I'm sorry... please come back..."
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