Capitalist Combo #10 (Hold the Hate)

It's time we stop pretending that there's a private sector and a public sector. Nobody's buying it, anymore - and it's the only thing we're not buying. Look behind the curtain in the control-room of just about any major corporation, and you'll find that they're using the lucre they have wrought from the hands of their unsuspecting customers to finance and support all kinds of crazy platforms and positions that very few consumers would otherwise support.

Nobody ever expects Charlie Chan.

For example, take a look at this list and try to imagine avoiding buying something that eventually doesn't trickle up to at least one of these companies. Sure, it's easy enough to hold off buying a plane from Lockheed Martin or resist investing through Morgan Stanley (because, you know, you're probably poor, statistically speaking) - but then you get to Time Warner. And AT&T. Angry at the Democrats? Sorry; but if you're using a Microsoft product, your money has already found its way to Obama. Annoyed with Republicans? Well, if you've shipped anything through UPS, you've tacitly funded that spangled elephant. This isn't some illuminati-type conspiracy, either - this is the economic reality of American capitalism.

The bright side of multinational corporate global domination: you feel at home everywhere!

That's why this recent kerfuffle over Chick-Fil-A is actually sort of a good thing: the brazen cajones of Truett Cathy (whose name belongs squarely in a Steinbeck novel) and his overt anti-gay-marriage advocacy has provided a well-needed bitch-slap to consumers across the country. We almost forgot that our money didn't just disappear behind the counter when we bought our uncannily and undeservedly popular boiled chicken sandwiches - we were forced to wake up and smell the ideology.

...And then give money to organizations that totally don't.

This leads to an obvious question, then: which companies contribute to what I believe in?

Well, the answer is pretty ugly: most of the big ones play both sides. You can find out here which ones are "leaning" in one particular direction or another, but the general rule is that it makes them more money to just contribute to the people who'll make them more money, regardless of which pesky little social policy they may happen to staunchly support. However, there are some that maintain a shred of integrity, and here's a short list of who you're actually partnering with when you make that holy exchange of currency for goods.

Not pictured: greasy politician's palms

We'll start with the Liberals:

1) Barnes & Noble

 

 
Although print-media is on life-support, B&N still manage to provide scholarships and donations to local and national programs which "focus on literacy, the arts or education"  (though apparently not the oxford comma). These organizations include local libraries, literacy programs, and schools, and are pretty much guaranteed to give a warm fuzzy to those bleeding-hearts who still think that society needs people who can read.

2) Google

While it's pretty hard to avoid using if you're trying to do, well, just about anything on the Internet, it's should be comforting to the left-leaning among us that Google has been providing money toward "education programs in science, technology, engineering and math; education for girls in the developing world; programs to teach tech skills to the underprivileged; and efforts to fight the global problem of human trafficking." You know. Socialism. The real bonus here is that since companies provide revenue to Google largely through advertising fees, you don't necessarily have to feel bad when that creepy marketing-banner pops up for a snuff-film company when you were just looking for a video from the Smothers Brothers - their murder-money is being redirected by Google toward providing a good education for the girls who managed to escape.

3) Polo - Ralph Lauren

As stodgy as a company that named itself after a group of folks who didn't think riding horses around a grassy field was quite elite enough and decided to add pretty outfits and lacquered wickets to the mix might seem, their record on campaign finance is utterly irreproachable: these effete equine aficionados are nothin' but Democrats, all the way. 100% of their political donations have gone to prop up that beleaguered blue donkey, and it's not just so they can climb on top of it and start whacking things with sticks. From Kerry to Schumer to Daschell, if there's a "D" next their name, Ralph Lauren will shell out a few bucks to support 'em.

4) Sonic

Something tells me they're not homophobic.

Even though their ad campaigns would suggest that their customers are severely developmentally disabled men who live out of their car and make a habit of throwing tater-tots through open windows, you can bet that slurping down one of their seventy-two-thousand flavors of iced syrup drinks will give you the kind of brain-freeze that only a Democrat can get. This burger chain hasn't contributed a single cent to Republican candidates, and it's pretty clear that while they make their employees cavort dangerously around a highly-trafficked parking lot on roller-skates, the conservative-fifties feel of the place ends there.

5) Costco

...And you should see the other fifteen departments.

It may seem counter-intuitive to imagine a company that requires you pay them up front to gain membership to their little cabal of discounted goods be left-leaning, but Costco apparently uses that money for more than developing a really good excuse to order a pizza while you shop. Co-founder James Sinegal donated a hefty chunk of change to the Democratic party in 2011, and they didn't even have to show their card at the door. That might be just the excuse you need to renew your membership and actually feel good about standing in front of a pallet of frozen burritos, trying to figure out exactly how to justify spending a significant amount of your income on late-night snacks. At least it'll make you feel better about filling up on the free samples, though.

And now, for something completely Conservative:

1) American Apparel

Note: to easily convert to advertisement,
simply add half-naked junkies.

Despite its reputation for being liberal, this bring-the-slave-labor-home-to-the-states company has actually donated to Republican candidates at a three-to-one rate. That means if you buy a three-piece suit, only one of them is even vaguely democratic (I'm betting it's the vest). So if you need some threads to attend the grand-old-party, you can feel free to ignore the taunts you'll receive by the other guests when they see you rocking the classic look advertised by budding porn-stars everywhere. Seriously, just look at one of their ads.

Inyo, eh? In yo' what?

2) Ritz-Carlton

Nah, the crown doesn't quite capture the whole "crazy-rich empire" feel... let's add a snarling lion.

Okay, so this one is probably no surprise. Rich people are more likely to vote Republican, and pretty much nobody but rich people are staying at the Ritz. But the surprising thing here is the sheer amount of cash they're forking over, and to whom, exactly, they are forking it: they gave a cool million to Romney's "Restore our Future" Super-PAC, and they're clearly in the position to give even more once they figure out a way to get all those bathrobes and towels back (which still aren't okay to steal, even if you disagree with their politics... unless you see it as some robin-hood-esque mission and give those luxurious pieces of cloth to homeless shelters, which would kind of be messed up when you imagine a guy spilling his soup-kitchen meal onto a Ritz-Carlton robe...).

3) Angel-Soft, Brawny, and Dixie products

I know - it's a three-in-one buzzkill for liberals looking to stock up for a night of party-rocking, but on the other hand, it's total win for a conservative frat. All three of these products (and more) are owned by the Koch Brothers, about whom you may have heard if you've been awake for the past year or so. These guys have openly avowed to donate tens of millions of dollars to virtually anything Republican, and could pretty much care less what other people have to say about it. So, if you want a quicker-picker-upper for the tears of your left-wing friends when Obama loses the election, then you need go no further than that totally-straight lumberjack with a come-hither smile.

4) The Coachella Music Festival

Diverse? Yes. Unwitting supporters of the GOP? Almost definitely.

This one might just make hipsters out of the young republicans, and a bunch of other people just cry. Yes, Coachella, the same festival that makes even those hippies who went to Woodstock cringe in disquietude at their utter disregard for hygiene is promoted by the Anschutz Entertainment Group (AEG), whose parent company is owned by a guy who gave $50,000 to John Boener's PAC. That's enough money for at least a partial hologram of Reagan to appear in the next lineup of bands - and his doo-rag would probably also be red.

5) Waffle-House

Like the Vampire, the Waffle House only achieves full-strength under the cover of night. Or drugs.

If you like your political opponents smothered and covered, and those opponents happen to be Democrats, then you'll find a tasty meal any hour of the day at your local bastion of the depravity of humankind that is the Waffle-House. Their CEO, Jim Rogers, Jr. griddled up a hundred grand for American Crossroads, the Karl Rove-run Republican Super-PAC which is sponsoring Not-Obama in the upcoming election. For Dems, that means a few more miles on the interstate until you can get to a Denny's - and for Republicans, it means having to face the difficult decision of supporting their local Waffle-House and actually going into a Waffle-House. Of course, if they do, they'll likely see the result of years of social-service programs being sliced into bits by conservative finance policy, and that might just make it worth it for them... if they can stomach it.

Thus, in the interest of providing much-needed transparency to the otherwise disingenuous flow of hidden monies within our corporate network of shadowy financial ties between private companies and public policy, I would like to throw my hat into the ring, and just make a chicken-sandwich company that is as utterly left-leaning liberal as is humanly possible. I will call it "El Pollo Homo."

Slogan courtesy of our PR Director, George Pizarro.

EPH will not only support gay rights, it will downright cock-fight anyone who suggests otherwise. By plucking up the what-must-be-thousands of employees from that other boiled-chicken-fillet-between-bread-joint, we will not only save money on training new employees, we'll also be raking it in as the only chicken-sandwich-based restaurant that is overtly pro-gay. Think about it - people are boycotting, not fasting, for heaven's sake - and where else are you going to go for a plain chunk of uninspired bird-meat slapped unceremoniously on a lukewarm bun? Plus, our balls-out gayness would allow for a very creative assortment of sauces. Delish, right?

Of course, there are those who are tired of this constant politicization of businesses and who would frown upon such an obvious agenda coming from an establishment whose job it is to just serve food to people without tacitly haranguing them into some two-bit ideological hogwash that makes them uncomfortable... and to them I say this:

Don't like buying a burger-and-hate combo? Try a local store.
They can barely stay in business, much less donate to people you don't like.