Why They're Winning (or, The Last Thing I Ever Hope to Say About This Whole Stupid Chick-Fil-A Issue)

Posthuman time is a funny thing. The theory was that the "information superhighway" would make us all totally informed of every up-to-the-minute important event across the world, and we'd be like virtual threshing machines, separating the rich wheat of media from the chaff.

Actually, I can see the resemblance.

What we forgot to account for, apparently, is the fact that the practice of critically thinking about all those tasty news-grains headed down our eye-throats (this mixed metaphor is becoming disturbing) has become about as popular as reading the ingredients on a can of soda before you drink it, and all that quickening of time amounts to little more than the point being lost that much faster.

We are consumers, first and foremost, and what we often forget to realize is that what passes for "debate" in contemporary rhetoric is often a purposeful conglomeration of manufactured sound-bytes and talking-points which aim to do nothing more than re-frame a burning issue within the context of whoever is trying to control the topic.

Sorry, Colin, but if you're going to make it in this town, you better spice that prose up. And blame more protestors.

Thus, we have the Chick-Fil-A "debate."

See what they did there? Clever. Totally inaccurate, but clever.

Now, if you woke up yesterday and suddenly decided to check in on that story you heard about an entire month ago, or maybe recently stirred from a coma, then I can sincerely understand how you might be confused about the recent claims regarding the "anti-free-speech" efforts of the Chick-Fil-A boycott.

However, if you've been paying attention, you should be able to see through the smokescreen to what's actually been happening: a classic case of misdirection.

Abraca-free-speech-a-dabra: Voila! My homophobia has disappeared!

Here's a brief timeline of the debacle:


July 2: Reports emerge that CFA donated millions of dollars to organizations that seek to make same-sex marriage illegal.

July 16: Dan Cathy (son of CFA founder Truett Cathy) publicly reaffirms his company's stance on "traditional marriage."

July 18: The Jim Henson Company decides to stop selling its toys through CFA in order to prevent their money going to support anti-gay organizations.

July 20: Boston mayor Thomas Menino attempts to ban CFA from opening any new store locations in his city.

July 23: Mike Huckabee organizes "Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day" to defend their "right to promote Christian values."

July 25: CFA posts disinformation on its restaurants claiming that they recalled the Muppet toys due to "reports of children getting their fingers stuck in the holes of the puppets," and creates a fake facebook profile to provide further "back-up" to this false claim (although I guess the model for Stock Photo's "Pretty Redhead" could have been one of their customers).

July 25: Chicago also attempts to block a new CFA from opening, making up for the questionable decision to allow that weird face-spew monument.

July 26: San Francisco joins the ranks in promising to prevent CFA from operating in the city. "Wow, how shocking," said absolutely nobody ever.

I haven't seen this many people confused
about what they're voting for since Florida, 2000.

August 1: The proverbial feces hit the fan when thousands of people actually show up on "Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day" in defense of the company's.... free speech?










Of course, part of the problem rests in the fact that there is no "definition of marriage" on record in the U.S. Constitution, and thus those who are trying to limit it to "between one man and one woman" have a much easier job to do, message-wise: their thesis is right there in the main argument. Just reiterate it with a bunch of false threats to "tradition" and slap a kid on it, and you're done.

That poor child, being forced to learn about the basic equality of human love. Fortunately, those glasses will blind him in about fifteen minutes. Then his literacy level will also be level with biblical standards.

For those who are trying to oppose this attempt to make the U.S. constitution into a footnote from the book of Leviticus, it's not so easy. What can you say that won't play into the fears that the "gay agenda" is trying to turn our kids into miniature Paul Lyndes, flitting about and queering up the place?

"Yikes. That's even too gay for me."

Furthermore, how do you not wind up sounding like you're trampling on the rights of religious folk to express their constitutional freedom of speech?

 

You shift the topic back. That's how.

The Chick-Fil-A debate is not actually about who should get married to whom. It's not even about who believes what. It's really about corporations, and their influence on politics.

You want freedom of religion? Done. Freedom of speech? You got it. But when you start using your absurd amounts of left-over capital to secretly influence the government, you're not talking about anything that's in any constitution I've ever seen - you're practicing a different kind of "redefinition:" the definition of democracy.

...At least the last time I checked.

So, what really happened is that Chick-Fil-A had a forced outing - they're gay for corporate influence, and they unapologetically love being in bed with political institutions which seek to change America's laws so that they match their own particular agenda. That's the problem.

This is what Christian persecution looks like: note how instead of
protesting, the lion is eating his face. Betcha he wishes Rome would just boycott.

The day that a company starts using their funds to support the banning of churches in America, I will boycott it. When Ronald McDonald starts calling for America to institute Sharia law (all that make up makes me think he's hiding something), I'll protest alongside my friends of different faiths (and non-faiths) in defense of the very same constitution that provides for all of us to be treated equally.

Because political influence is something people have. Not corporations.

But as long as companies like Chick-Fil-A keep us trained on the distraction of who's allowed to say what, they'll keep winning the war of who's allowed to buy what - and if we're not careful, our rights will go up for sale.